Facebook's Most Annoying Friends: Part Deux

Konichiwa sweethearts.


I was scrolling through my pictures the other day on my busted IPhone when I had a realization among the photos of my breathtakingly handsome nephew, my majestic pug, and a third category we will discuss below.  And that realization was…

I am a horrible person. 

FACT: KILLING SOMEONE WITH KINDNESS IS A TOTALLY INEFFECTIVE METHOD OF HOMICIDE. 

I realized that nearly 20% (ok… pushing 45%) of my photos were screen shots of Facebook statuses so excruciating I had to send them to my best friends and family so they could share the crushing weight of agony I was under.   That is not very nice and I should probably speak to a professional about it. 

I ASSUME THE ONLY THING A DOCTOR WOULD WRITE DOWN DURING AN APPOINTMENT WITH ME WOULD BE THE WORD “LEGENDARY”. 

I wrote an article two years ago titled “Facebook’s Most Annoying Friends” that you can find further back in the blog.  Well, we are back for round two my friends… because the last few weeks have left me wanting to gouge my eyes out with a hot spoon.  So saddle up and grab a pumpkin spice latte, white girls. 

I CAN’T AFFORD TO OPEN MY HEART TO LIMITED EDITION COFFEE FLAVORS BECAUSE I AM DEAD INSIDE, SO I’LL JUST GRAB A REDBULL.

Let’s go over some of the world’s most annoying social media goons so you can avoid being one.

1. THE “I LOVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT FACEBOOK, ON FACEBOOK” FRIEND. 

This friend clearly doesn’t understand the definition of irony.  They go on a three page rant on their wall, their FACEBOOK wall, about some minor change Facebook has made to its layout.  Ummmm… Seriously?

"IDIOT" 

I always laugh when I see people go off about this, wondering if they even realize the forum they are complaining about is the very forum that gives them a platform in the first place.  Don’t like Facebook?  Go complain on Myspace about it… I’m sure they’d love to have you back.

 PICTURED: EXECUTIVES AT MYSPACE ATTEMPTING TO BECOME RELEVANT AGAIN

Congratulations complainer, based on your recent attempts to protest an insignificant change regarding a multibillion dollar web tyrant you spend three hours a day on, you now qualify for mental health services. 





SIDENOTE: IF YOU DON’T ALREADY HATE PEOPLE, READING YOUTUBE COMMENTS IS A FANTASTIC PLACE TO START. 

THANK YOU FOR KNOWING JUSSSSSSST ENOUGH ABOUT THE TOPIC YOU'RE COMMENTING ON TO BE COMPLETELY USELESS.

2.)  THE “I TAKE SELFIES EVERY CHANCE I GET” FRIEND. 

Listen, we are all guilty of it.  Selfies are fun from time to time and especially fun if you realize how lame they are. 

It’s the friends on my feed that take a selfie every nanosecond with the idea that it is super sexy.  It is not. 

MAKE SURE TO GET YOUR TITS IN THE PIC, LADIES. BOYS LIKE THAT. 

I once dated a guy for a nanosecond (felt like an eternity) who was obsessed with selfies. (I know I know, I should have known right then and there we weren’t gonna work out.)  I mean, COME ON DUDE… do you not feel like a complete tool taking those all the time?  And don’t you have any friends around who can take a picture?

I WISH A HAD A THIRD OF THE CONFIDENCE CREEPY GUYS WHO SEND SELFIES TO GIRLS THEY ARE TRYING TO BANG HAVE. 

Unless you are taking them to show us a funny shirt or some sweet new kicks you got… understand no one really give a sh*t about what you look like after a workout.  Which leads us to the next most annoying friend…

3.)  THE “I ONLY TALK ABOUT WORKING OUT” FRIEND. 

STUD. 

Good God. We get it.  You go to the gym. Congrats.   You gulped down a protein packed glass of garbage juice and did a kettle bell workout that made your bulging thigh muscles detach from your bones.  Let’s limit the discussion about it to one post please.  We don’t need to see an update every fourteen minutes about how you’re “killing it” at the gym.

NO MATTER WHAT DIFFERENCES WE HAVE, WE ARE ALL UNITED IN OUR HATRED FOR BURPEES AND THE OVERUSE OF THE TERM “BEASTMODE”.

I don’t think I would mind these posts so much if they were limited and interesting.  It has nothing to do with you working out… keep that up cause that’s awesome.  The thing is, “I Only Talk About Working Out” friend, you seem uninteresting because your posts are all identical.

SORRY I FAKED DEMON POSSESSION TO AVOID HEARING ABOUT YOUR WORKOUT TODAY.

Maybe let’s jazz it up a notch and instead of tagging yourself at the gym you could post one of your 489230 shirtless selfies and say you just killed a dragon or something.  I could get on board with that. 

A 26.2 BUMPER STICKER IS THE MOST TACTFUL WAY TO TELL EVERYONE YOU HAVE PISSED YOURSELF IN A PAIR OF UMBROS.

Sidenote: This “I have a gluten allergy” epidemic is out of control, so settle down with those claims, America.  Does it exist? Sure.  Does it exist to the extent marketing giants would like you to believe?  Hell no.  So shut up already and eat the brownie, 99.9% of the population without legitimate gluten hypersensitivity.  Tighten up.

ONE OF THE BEST THINGS YOU CAN DO WHILE SOMEONE IS EXPLAINING THEIR “GLUTEN ALLERGY” IS TO ORDER YOURSELF AN ENTIRE PIZZA. 

4.) THE “HOLY SHIT I’M IN A RELATIONSHIP AND NO LONGER KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE LIKE A RATIONAL HUMAN BEING ON SOCIAL MEDIA” FRIEND.

"MAKE THAT A DOUBLE, BARTENDER"

We all have one.  I seem to have a few.  You know how it goes. 

STEP ONE: Friend is right at the precipice of a relationship.  May become official at anytime. 

STEP TWO: Friend changes relationship status. 

STEP THREE: Friend becomes the most annoying human being social media has ever seen. 

I JUST CALLED. TO SAY. I TEXTED YOU. 

This is the type of girl friend who is Facebooking her new boyfriend while she’s sitting next to him on the couch. 

This is the type of guy friend who dates a girl for two weeks and then changes his relationship status on Facebook. 

This is the type of monster who uses the phrase “so blessed” and "love of my life" regarding EVERY person they date. 

"YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY SOULMATES!!!!" 

These are the people who are just looking to hold someone...



Hostage. 

5.) THE “HOLY SHIT I’M OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP AND NO LONGER KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE LIKE A RATIONAL HUMAN BEING ON SOCIAL MEDIA” FRIEND.

"TWO WEEK RELATIONSHIP ENDED. TIME TO START POSTING SONG LYRICS ABOUT MY PAIN." 

We all have one.  I seem to have a few.  You know how it goes.

STEP ONE: Cryptic, inspirational quotes start appearing on their Facebook feed that solicit concern.  You know there is trouble in paradise, but when you try to extend support you get the response “Oh nothing is wrong” (sigh). 

STEP TWO: The Facebook relationship status changes.  Empires fall.  Families divide. 

STEP THREE: Friend has an absolutely humiliating daily meltdown on social media, passive aggressively exposing details of the relationship no one needed/wanted to know. 

LIFE TIP FOR DRAMA QUEENS: MOST PROBLEMS EXIST ONLY IN YOUR MIND.  SO CUT YOUR HEAD OFF AND SHUT UP ALREADY.

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend.  And remember, your workout doesn't count unless you post about it.  See you at the gym. 

The Top 30 I Learned By 30: An Amateur's Guide To Chilling the Hell Out About Life

 

 

Well, here I am approaching thirty.  While most people go into some sort of panic around this time, I’m super excited.  As they say, “Never complain about getting older, it’s a privilege denied to many.” I’m ready to rock out.  Now, I will confess there is a bit of relief knowing that the time in my life when you supposedly make most of your mistakes is over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"DON'T ACT LIKE ALL YOUR SHIT'S TOGETHER WILLIAMS YOU'RE STILL SCREWING UP, FANCY PANTS!"

 

Touche.

 

But with that being said… There are some the little trinkets of wisdom I have picked up in my first 30 years that have helped me tremendously and that I wish I'd known all along.  But, part of growing up is learning this stuff soooo I can't be too hard on myself.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

"WHY DID SOME OF THESE THINGS TAKE SO LONG TO LEARN? GEEEEZUS!"

 

 

 

Some of this has been preached to me by my parents since I was little, some pieces were learned over too much wine with friends, and some I just had to figure out all on my own over a million mistakes.  Maybe they will help, or maybe you’ll be sitting having a cocktail tonight thinking about what a bumbling idiot I am.  Either way, here they are. If you've been to happy hour with me you've no doubt already heard the majority of this nonsense.  They’ve helped me laugh a lot… and we all know I think that’s important.

 

1.)     It is better to be happy than to always be right. 

 

 

 

"YOU ARE THE WORST!"

 

So you're in a fight with your parents/spouse/friend, whatever.  It gets heated.  You both think you're right about the issue or you wouldn't be arguing in the first place.  There's a thousand things you want to attack them with just to win the argument.  Is it worth it?  99% of the time the answer is "no".  So think about that before you tell whoever you love that they are the worst human you have ever encountered because they didn't empty the dishwasher correctly. Half the hard part of arguing is HOW you say it, not what you say.

 

 

2.)     If it’s not going to bother you in a year, don’t let it bother you now.

 

 

 

"WHAT IN THE F&CK IS GOING ON HERE?"

 

 

 

This is one of the hardest to try and adhere to, but one of the most important. Honestly, think back.  Did half the shit you worried about last year ever even happen?  Odds are, probably not.  I know there is a hell of a lot I worried about late at night when I could have been dreaming about Vince Vaughn.  It's a damn Greek tragedy those precious minutes weren't spent on him. 

 

 

 

 

"SETTLE DOWN, WORRY WART."

 

 


 

3.)     You would be much less stressed out if you knew how little people actually talked about you.

 

 

"SHE DID WHAT?"

 

Do people talk shit?  Sure.  We are all guilty of it.  But a huge majority of the stress people deal with is worrying people are talking shit about them all the time.  I promise, no one cares enough to be doing that.  I am one of the most narcissistic people in the world and even I am aware people don't just sit around and talk about me all the time. 


PICTURED: WHITNEY'S NARCISSISM AT 6 MONTHS.
 

No one is that interesting; not me, not you, so don't stress out about it all the time.  Go be happy. 

 



 

4.)     You can’t change him.
     You can't change him.
     You can't change him.
 

 

 

 

HOPE YOU FIGURE THAT OUT BEFORE YOU GET TO BE HER AGE.

 

 


 

5.)     Mom and Dad know a hell of a lot more than you think they do.

 

 

 

SHE DIDN'T LISTEN TO THEM WHEN THEY GAVE HER ADVICE ABOUT BAD TATTOOS.

I was never a bad kid, but I had a smart ass mouth.  (Shocker, I know). I spent the majority of my teenage years being a complete lunatic to my parents because I thought I knew everything at the ripe old age of 13. This went on until I was about 18.  Then Back Talk Betty finally came to the realization that maybe my parents weren't the amoebas I believed them to be.  



MOM AND DAD AT MY 14TH BIRTHDAY.


  To any teenage girls who read this blog: you don't know everything and you don't always have to have the last word.  Settle the hell down and listen to your parents every now and then.  And no, the boy you love in middle school is not your soulmate. Also, stop rolling your shorts up.  You look like a whore.

 

 



 

6.)     Wear socks with your boots. 

 

 

 

 

YOU'RE FEET WILL SMELL LIKE HELL IF YOU DON'T.

 

 



 

7.)     No one has enough time. People who want you in their life will MAKE the time.

 

"PLEEEEEASE HANG OUT WITH ME!"

 

If someone really wants to see you, talk to you, etc etc. they will make it happen.  All relationships are give and take, and if you don't feel like you're on even playing ground, it's probably time to talk about it or throw it like a hot potato and go be with people who appreciate you.

 

SHITTY FRIENDS?

 

.

 

 

 

8.)     Move forward and get the hell over it.  This too, shall pass.

STOP OVERTHINKING YOUR PROBLEMS. UNLESS YOUR PROBLEMS ARE A DAMN

T-REX.
 

"This too, shall pass" is something that frequently comes out of mom's mouth.  Overthinking things will drive you insane.  Science says so folks, and you know we don't mess with Science.




 

 

9.)     No one ever gets tired of hearing “thank you.” Say it and mean it.


 

(INSERT THOUGHT PROVOKING PICTURE.)

 

 

I read a quote once that basically said "what if you woke up today with only what you were thankful for yesterday?" It stuck.  People who can express gratitude will get a hell of a lot further in life than people who can't.  I mean, don't you go the extra mile for someone who actually notices you did?  Exactly.  It's something I hope to get better about.  I tend to have "gratitude expression" after a few glasses of wine.  Props to you if you have ever been on the other end of one of those conversations.






 

10.)  People show you who they are all the time. Believe them the first time.

 

If someone tells you they are a shitty person, they are.  You are not someone's therapist, you are not their mother.  If they warn you from the get-go they are going to treat you like a piece of shit, believe them and stop thinking you are some Disney princess who is going to tame the Beast. 

 

PICTURED: THE FASTEST AVENUE TO DIVORCE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11.)  The advice anyone gives is based on their own personal experiences.  Remember that before you follow it.

"DUDE, IT'S TOTALLY COOL TO RIDE YOUR MOTORCYCLE 100 MPH DOWN THAT HILL.  MAN UP."

 

 

 

 

 

 

12.)  At 15, you will think you are fat and wish you had the body you did when you were 12. At 20, you will think you are fat and wish you had the body you had at 15. At 25, you will think you are fat and wish you had the body you had when you were 20. Bottom line, get over it.  Don’t be “that girl” who won’t get in the water on Sunday Fun Day.  No one wants to hang out with her. Be confident.

 

 

THE LAST PERSON INVITED ON MY BOAT.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

13.)   “One more drink” is great at girl’s night.  Terrible decision downtown.

TRUST ME ON THIS ONE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

14.)  Be the first to laugh at yourself.  It’s not that damn serious.

 

 

KARAOKE SENSATION

You're going to do stupid stuff.  And stuff that scares you.  And your friends are going to make fun of you.  Quit being pissy and laugh with them.  This is the shit that is gonna make great stories down the road.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

15.)  Tell the people you love why you love them.  Be specific.  People will always remember that.

 

 

THIS IS NOT A LEGITIMATE REASON YOU LOVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND SO COME UP WITH SOMETHING ELSE, BOYS.

 

 

My awesome group of friend have what we call "The Birthday Game".  Basically, you go around the table and give a specific reason why you love that person, or how they influcenced you in some awesome way.  It sounds ridiculous, but it's awesome.  Giving specific details on how someone has made you a better person is the kind of compliment people never forget.  It's a lot better than, "dude, you rock."

 

 

 

 

 

 

16.)  Being stupid or cruel is not attractive.  AT ALL.

"HEY! LET ME SHOW YOU HOW INSECURE I AM BY MAKING YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT ABOUT YOURSELF!"

 

Standing up for yourself is awesome.  Being a bully or intentionally hurtful isn't.  Being dismissive is also not OK.  How someone treats a person who can do nothing for them says a lot.  A whole lot. Pay attention.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

17.)  You teach people how to treat you.

 

 

"R.E.S.P.E.C.T. FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME."

 

If someone keeps treating you like shit, sorry Charlie, but at some point it's your fault for letting them continue to. 

 

DROP IT LIKES IT'S HOT.

 

 

 

 

 

18.)  Don’t cut your own hair.

MY VERSION OF THE "JENNIFER ANNISTON CUT". EPIC FAIL.

 

 

 

 

 

 

19.)  Be a leader not a follower.

 

 

 

 

This is the longest standing piece of advice I've had from good ol' Dad.  He pretty much has said this everyday, regarding any situation, even when it didn't make sense in the circumstance.  It's his go-to, and now something I find myself saying all the time.  Classic "Oh shit, I'm turning into my parents" moment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

20.)  Little things ARE big things.

PICTURED: HAPPINESS.

 

When I was about 3980283 years younger, I got my first real boyfriend and was having the time of my life being in "love".  I neglected my friends and finally one day it all came to a head with my best friend.  I was talking to my aunt about the argument and told her "We just do the same boring stuff all the time. I don't know why it even matters if I'm not there."  My aunt, who was older, wiser, and had lost her best friend, told me "Whit, I would give anything to have one more boring day with my best friend." That conversation radically changed how I see friendship for the rest of my life.  Nothing is too small when it comes to people you love.  Say it.  Do girl's night.  Hug your husband.  Write a love note.  Whatever. But understand that those "insignificant" moments with the people you love are everything.  It's all built off the little things.  

 

21.)  Don’t start smoking. Ever.

I DON'T NEED TO GO INTO WHY THIS IS SO GROSS.

YOU GET IT.

 

 

 

 

22.)  You will get over a breakup you never thought you would.

 

"JUSTIN BEIBER IS THE ONLY MAN WHO UNDERSTANDS ME"

 

 

Breakups are the worst.  Everyone has been through it, and for a while you think there is no light at the end of that tunnel.  Well, one day, twenty-somethings, you wake up and suddenly feel like this

 

"WHY WAS I SAD FOR SO LONG?"

 

 

I learned if I can get over Kevin Costner being taken off the market, I can get over anything.

MY FIRST HEARTBREAK.  F&CK MAID MARION.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

23.)  If you’re sorry, say so.  It makes a world of difference.

"MY BAD!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

24.)  You can’t put out a grease fire with water.

 

THIS IS PRETTY MUCH HOW I LEARNED THAT LESSON.

 

(Also the day I learned I need to find a husband who can cook.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

25.)  People gravitate towards happy people.  Don’t be the asshole who bitches all the time. 

 

 

"LET'S GO HAVE FUN, THUNDERCLOUD."

Be the kind of person people want to be around.  No one gives a shit about anyone who is "too cool" or negitive alllllll the time.  Be kind.  Being an asshole stopped being cool in 4th grade, and it really wasn't cool then either.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

26.)  Fight’s over. Let it go.

 

 

"FIVE MORE MINUTES OF HELL COMIN' RIGHT UP"

 

 

I had a married friend tell me once that after she got married her fights got so much better with her husband.  "How so?" I asked. "Once I knew I was going to be with him forever, it just kind of seemed pointless to pout and drag out a fight for days when we could just talk about it and be happy again.  I mean, I know we are gonna be together, so I may as well not make it miserable."  Pretty damn good advice if you ask me.  Something I wish I'd heard when I was 20 and something that applies to any kind of relationship.  Don't drag that shit out for your Oscar winning performance.  Let it go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

27.)  Girls: People who go out of their way to make your life miserable do it because they are miserable themselves.  If you didn’t matter to them, they wouldn’t bother with you.

 

"I'M GOING TO SAY I DON'T CARE BUT STALK THIS BITCH EVERY TEN MINUTES AND TALK SHIT ABOUT HER EVERYWHERE"=

 

YOU'RE JEALOUS, SHE HAS YOU BY THE BALLS AND RULES YOUR LIFE. AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

28.)  Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever. 

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIFETIME, SOME ARE LESSONS, SOME ARE VOLLEYBALLS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

29.)  Remember the brothers you’re beating up on when you’re little will be bigger than you one day.

THIS KID CAN WHIP MY ASS AT A MOMENT'S NOTICE. 

 

 

 

 

 

30.)  You are responsible for your own happiness.  Stop waiting on someone to walk through the door with it.

Sometimes I talk to people who always seem like they are a step behind being happy. It always reminds me of that quote, "People who are happy don't have the best of everything, they make the best of everything." Say whatever you want to about how douchebag-ish optimists can act sometimes, or how cliche that quote is, but it's true. Being happy is all about appreciating little things and finding humor in the mundane stuff of life. If you spend your whole life looking for big things, you're gonna miss the whole thing. Lock it up and smile. Life's awesome.


Here's to hoping for another great 30 years.  Let's start with cocktails.