Well folks, it's my favorite time of year again. Time to break out the tanning oil, beer, and baseball games: Summer is here. Although the majority of summer is filled with awesome things like dollar vodka and days on the lake, there are some things about summer that are looking to ruin your life. Don't worry, I am here to help.
NO WORRIES. I KNOW WHAT TO DO.
Growing up in South Carolina I learned very quickly to adapt to summer's obstacles, something you must do from a young age or you will surely die.
Here is a helpful guide to help you get through all of the South's most horrifying elements of Summer.
Well ladies, we all know how this one breaks down. Department stores, with their innate sense of what women want, fill their stores with the hottest new suits of the season. We flock there, ready to slip into some cute little number and do a slow motion run down the beach Pamela Anderson style.
5 OUT OF 5 MEN AGREE SHE HAS A BETTER PERSONALITY THAN YOU DO.
So, we grab two or three suits in our favorite color and head to the dressing room, daydreaming of the boat trip we have next week and what kind of ridiculous cocktails we are going to make with the local summer fruit selection. It's all unicorns and lollipops until....
OH...SHIT.
The dressing rooms, conveniently located somewhere between Self Esteem Street and Bulimia Boulevard, are adequately lit up with enough florescent lighting to trigger a blackout. Gentlemen, you probably don't try on your bathing suits, so let me explain. The lighting in these dressing rooms is the most repulsive, vile, unflattering lighting you could possibly create. It's like being half naked in a Walmart. Every flaw is magnified appoximently four thousands times what your self esteem can handle. You know what I'm talking about girls...
EVEN IF YOU LOOKED LIKE THIS IN REAL LIFE,
YOU LOOK LIKE THIS IN THAT DRESSING ROOM.
How do you avoid this situation?
Step 1.) In your most awesome ninja uniform, sneak to the main power line of the department store and cut off the power.
Step 2.) Enter department store, grab bathing suits you wanted to try on and enter the dressing room.
Step 3.) Light the small candle you convientently keep on your ninja tool belt. Candle light makes everyone look better, after all.
MAKE NO MISTAKE, ONLY CANDLELIGHT MAKES LOOKING AT THESE WOMEN REMOTELY BAREABLE.
Step 4.) Try on bathing suit.
Step 5.) Evaluate, and sneak back out with suits, since the registers are down and you don't have time to wait. Summer waits for no one.
NOT EVEN CHUCK NORRIS LOOKS GOOD IN FLORESCENT LIGHTS.
When lit by candlelight in the dressing room you don't notice all the physical and emotional scars from....
2.) The Cullens of the South: Mosquitoes.
I recently spent a day last week with one of my best friends chatting it up on his back deck for a few hours over a few cold beers. It was delightful. Then suddenly, just as the sun was setting and the crickets blissfully began their cheerful churps, I was attacked.
NOT BY A BEAR, BUT IT SURE FELT LIKE IT.
There I was, minding my own business, when approximately 1,546,345,543 (give or take two) diesease spreading, blood sucking mosquitoes came down on me like the wrath of God and proceeded to feast on my flesh and soul until I was on the brink of death.
THEY WERE ALL ABOUT THIS BIG.
Did you know that mosquitoes are responsible for more deaths than every other animal on earth COMBINED? Let me repeat....
MOSQUITOES. ARE. RESPONSIBLE. FOR. MORE. DEATHS. THAN. EVERY. OTHER. ANIMAL. ON. EARTH. COMBINED.
THOSE BASTARDS.
I would have let Mother Nature help me with the pressing issue that night, but that would have meant I would have to endure the company of the mosquitoes archenemy, and my absolute worst nightmare:
I WOULD RATHER DIE.
How do you solve this problem?
Step 1.) Buy bug repellent.
or...
Alternative Step One if bug repellent is not available, you can convieniently cover yourself in:
NOT RECOMMENDED AT PARTIES WITH SMOKERS.
3.) Nevermind... Mother Nature has the predator for you!
THANKS, MOTHER NATURE!
There is nothing like stepping into the crystal clear (eh hemm) murky waters of the Atlantic Ocean and wonder if just a few feet next to the sea shell you're eying is...
"OH HEY GUYS, DON'T MIND ME, I'M JUST HERE TO DEVOUR YOU. NO BIGGY."
I love the ocean. I'm sure most of you do. I trot my tailfeather down there every chance I get to go jump in those big gorgeous waves. But do not be fooled, there is shit in every square inch of that water that is waiting to sting/irritate/eat/wound/poke/bite/fillet you. Thankfully, you can avoid a shark attack by doing the following:
Step 1.) Spot the demon and look him directly in his souless, black eyes. (It's important to establish a rapport)
Step 2.) Wait for him to come to you. Like in boxing, better to let your opponent tire himself out.
Step 3.) Grab his fin, and mount his back, just as he is going for the fatty flesh in your upper thigh.
Step 3.) Grab his fin, and mount his back, just as he is going for the fatty flesh in your upper thigh.
HE DIDN'T LISTEN TO MY INSTRUCTIONS.
Step 4.) Guide him with your super in-shape hips to shore. If he is giving you any trouble, just dig a little with your heels into his side. This should help with his attitude problem.
JUST PICTURE RIDING THIS GUY, EXCEPT HE'S ABOUT 1000 LBS HEAVIER, WITH BIGGER TEETH.
Step 5.) Once he beaches himself under your relentless command, dismount and proceed to go take shots (boys, you could get laid by the hot lifeguard) in celebration of how ridiculously awesome you are. I mean, you're a shark cowboy. You can do whatever the hell you want.
JUST ANOTHER DAY AT THE BEACH.
If you are too lazy to be a shark cowboy like me, I recommend the art of disguise while in the water.
STRIKING FEAR IN THE HEARTS OF SHARKS EVERYWHERE.
I purchased this shark repelling costume in both a medium and a large, you know, just in case I'm having a real "fat day" after leaving a dressing room.
Welcome to Summer. Hope you survive.
