The Men Your Mother Failed To Warn You About: Part Two

Alright stop, collaborate and listen…Whit is back with a brand new blog post. 

Ah, Love.  Summer is here and the adorable twenty-somethings are ready to put on their bikinis and shake a tailfeather, searching for a potential mate.  That’s right gentlemen…get ready… It’s about to get Animal Planet up in huuur’

"I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET A MAN WHO LOVES ME FOR MY BRAINS!"

"EXCUSE ME MA'AM, BUT GOD YOUR THONG IS SPECTACULAR"

This year has been full of two of my favorite things…engagements and weddings.  There is no one who loves to celebrate love as much as I do, especially if an open bar is involved. 

"GREAT LOOKING DRESS.  NICE ORGAN PLAYER. WHERE IS THE BAR?"

I have been lucky enough to witness my friends marry some of the most phenomenal men I know.  I have also been lucky enough to witness some of them date the most ridiculous excuses for men one can imagine.

During these gorgeous weddings and engagement parties, we often find ourselves discussing…you guessed it…boys.  After years of giving each other advice, we now find ourselves passing down advice to our younger brothers and sisters who are moving into, what I like to call the “I Never Listen To Anyone’s Advice Because I’m In My Early Twenties and Think I Know Everything” Years.  We all went through them too, don’t worry kids.


And that's why I'm here today. 

"OK... SO...DON'T GET AN STD AND DON'T KNOCK GIRLS UP.  GREAT.  NOW I KNOW ALL THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS." -MEN

And that ladies and gentlemen, brings us to today’s post.

Let's talk a little about relationships.

Relationships are hard, but worth every struggle if you find someone who is worth “going the distance” with. 

"WAIT FOR ME, LOVER!"

Realtionships make you a stronger person.  They help carry you through life’s thunderstorms and make you skip through meadows and all that other Twilight bullsh*t we love to read about.   

"GOD, IF SHE DOESN'T SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT EDWARD CULLEN..."

But statistics show that most relationships won’t work out. This actually isn’t a bad thing. If we had ended up married to the first guy /girl we ever cared about most of us would  be in prison for Murder One by now.  Thankfully, that didn't happen.  We grow up and mature over the years until finally we find the person we trust enough to let into the world of our “secret single behaviors”.  

"NO BABE, I LOVE TALKING TO YOU WHILE YOU'RE GETTING HIGH OFF THE SMELL OF YOUR OWN FARTS. CARRY ON."

I hope we all find that kind of real love.  But, because I am a realist and a genius, I recommend you also buy a flamethrower and a life insurance policy just in case things go south.

"BET THAT BASTARD WON'T FORGET TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH AGAIN."

You know the deal girls. There is no point in me explaining to you why you shouldn’t date men that are abusive, deadbeat dads, drug addicts, etc ,etc. 

THIS GUY PROBABLY WON'T GET THE FINAL ROSE EITHER.

This post is about the men you should avoid who aren’t so obvious.  The relationships you get years into and then suddenly a lightbulb goes off and “what the hell was I thinking?” becomes the only thought your brain can manage to process while you refill your wine glass.  I’m here to warn you so you don’t waste your time,  because you still have time to change your bad habits.   Honey, you are still at least two bad relationships and three bags of emotional damage away from being a Walmart greeter.  There is still time.

"SH*T."

If you are on the hunt this year for a new man... make sure you know who you're looking for and who to avoid completely. The first round of life advice about men came in my post titled "THE MEN YOUR MOTHER FAILED TO WARN YOU ABOUT" which can be recapped here

THE MEN YOUR MOTHER FAILED TO WARN YOU ABOUT

http://tanfatlooksbetterthanwhitefat.blogspot.com/2011/05/men-your-mother-failed-to-warn-you.html




Now, I'm sure millions (give or take two) read that and avoided what could have potentially been a trainwreck, due to my incredible advice and infinite wisdom.  It’s cool, you can thank me with a cocktail when I see you out. 

"STOP! DO NOT DATE THOSE MEN!"

In the grand scheme of things, I have actually been pretty fortunate in love.  “What in the hell is she talking about?”  I can hear some of my friends whisper.  Let me explain.  I have a good relationship with pretty much everyone I’ve ever dated (that's called maturity), between my girlfriends and I we have enough hilarious material to fill the Library of Congress (that's called perspective), I am smarter about men now from my experiences and apply it to my life (that's called wisdom), and no one got murdered (that's called luck). 



Hey, I’m a “glass is half full” girl.  

AT LEAST I NEVER DATED THIS GUY.  CHEERS!

Thankfully, lots of field experience between my girlfriends and I have led us back here with a new round of men to warn you younger girls about this summer. 


I consider myself lucky to have at some point dated, been friends with girls who have dated, or am friends with the following men. What can I say? These boys make for great stories, and I’m all about a great story.

Ladies, try and avoid these men in 2012 at all costs for two reasons.
 1.) I don't want you to invest in a known asshole and

2.) I don't want to have to counsel you about it later.

IF THE WORLD ENDS THIS YEAR, I AM SPENDING IT DOING THIS, NOT COMFORTING YOUR WHIMPY ASS BECAUSE YOU FAILED TO LISTEN TO ME.

1.) MR. CUSTOMER SERVICE

"HEY GIRL"

These guys are hard to spot because they are so rare.  They are rare because they are genuinely realllllly nice guys, which means you will probably date them for a long time before you figure out his issue.

These guys are too nice for their own good…and that’s a problem.  They get walked all over because they have the spine of a jellyfish.  Signs of Mr. Customer Service Include:

1.)    He lets you do whatever the hell you want…all the time

2.)    He never has his own opinion on anything

3.)    He always seems “content” (but it feels more like “complacent”)

4.)    If your sex life had a flavor, it would be "Flat, Room Temperature Diet Coke"


5.)    He walks in on you in a gangbang and takes you back the next Tuesday.

"IS THIS BIT&H FO' REAL?"

Mr. Customer Service will tell you anything you want to hear to keep the peace.  Now, this is NOT the same thing as a man that will tell you anything to get into bed with you.  So don’t mistake them. 

MR. CUSTOMER SERVICE

"NO HONEY, IT'S GREAT IF I NEVER GET TO DRINK WITH MY BUDDIES AGAIN."

ASSHOLE

"BABY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE BOYS.  I'D RATHER HANG OUT WITH YOU TONIGHT.  AT YOUR PLACE. ONLY IF YOU'RE NAKED."

Girls, Mr. Customer Service makes a really great…


Friend.




 Let’s be honest. Are you really going to spend the rest of your life with a person that never challenges you? No.  What will happen to you and this guy is the same thing that will happen to a man who only dates a girl because she’s pretty.  After a while, it gets boring.  I don’t care how nice a man is, or how hot a girl is… if you don’t connect to that person on a real level, it’s never going to last.  Don’t believe me?  Ask a divorce attorney.

"YOUR HONOR...SHE'S ONE SMART B*TCH"

2.) MR. WOUNDED BUCK

"I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH" 

These guys drive me batshit crazy in the way they torture my friends.  I have not only briefly dated this guy, but I have witnessed countless friends make excuses for this guy for monnnnnths and they are all complete nonsense.  Let’s set a couple of ground rules for my argument before I get a tsunami of hate mail.  Here are some facts we need to think about:

1.)    EVERYONE has been through a breakup.  They suck.  We all know that. You're not the only person in the history of the human species to hurt because you lost someone you cared about, dude.

2.)    See rule #1

Mr. Wounded Buck is a master at manipulating you into thinking that his past is preventing him from being in your future.  PA-LEASEEEEE.  Take your crocodile tears and hit the road, Jack.  The men reading this right now are probably smiling because they have pulled this stunt before.  Hell, I have pulled this stunt before.  If you’ve ever heard this, you’re “dating” Mr. Wounded Buck. 

1.)    “My ex was terrible and I’m just not ready to commit to anyone yet”

2.)    Anything even remotely close to #1

I get the whole “downtime after a breakup” thing.  We all need that.  But let’s make something very very clear… if a man wants to be with you badly enough… HE WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN.  I don’t care if he dated The Mistress of All Evil before you. 

"SWEET. SHE FELL FOR IT.  NOW I CAN BANG OTHER GIRLS UNTIL SHE TIES ME DOWN"

Like I said, even I have pulled this stunt before.  I told a guy I “just wasn’t ready” after a bad breakup.  The truth is, I just wasn’t ready to date THAT PARTICULAR GUY.  If Vince Vaughn had walked through the door at the exact same time, you bet your ass I would have moved on so fast from my old relationship my head would have been spinning. 

YEP...I'M OVER THE EX.  LET'S ROLL.

If he’s not ready, save yourself the effort and move on sister.





3.) MR. NINJA MIND F&CK. 

"I'M AN ASSHOLE, BUT THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT BABY." 

Most girls I know(including myself) are famous for being wildly attracted to this guy. I think I spent what felt like a half a century attached to one in college.  “Why is this?” I often wonder.  I’m no psychologist, but I think it’s because:

1.)    These men appear incredibly confident (key word, “appear”)

2.)    Girls are crazy and like to be mentally tortured. 

"MAKE IT END."

Mr. Ninja Mind F&ck can take any situation in the world and suddenly make it your fault.  You will probably start meeting these types of guys early in your college career. They are the guys in an argument that suddenly start turning things into such a clusterf&ck you can't even remember why you were fighting in the first place.  Then you end up thinking it's your fault.

"WAIT...SO YOU DON'T WANT ME TO COME OVER AT THREE AM... BECAUSE I'M HAMMERED AND TREAT YOU BADLY?  WELL, THIS IS YOUR FAULT IT'S OVER THEN.  LATER PRINCESS."

These men have the emotional maturity of a turnip and are impossible to argue with. 

HOPE YOU CAN FIND A TUX THAT FITS THIS AMAZING MAN.

You really missed the boat on that guy.

THIS BOAT.

WE KNOW HOW THAT ENDS.

So girls, try not to stress out so much about men.  I know it's hard, and I have many  "what in the hell where you thinking, Whit?" moments in my life, but they make good stories and make you better people down the road.  Besides, everyday you are one step closer to hearing those three little words every woman longs to hear from a man...

"HERE'S. YOUR. DRINK."

Don't worry guys, I didn't leave you completely high and dry.  The next blog post is about how crazy we are.  But for now... Ladies remember when dealing with these types of men...

Everyone's Victim Card has an expiration date on it.  Upgrade to Survivor and move the hell on. 

Good luck ladies...it's tough out there.