TMI, PDA, and OMG: Facebook's Most Annoying Friends

I have no guilt about it, shame in it, or problem admitting it...I am addicted to Facebook.  And if you check it more than once a day, make no mistake Captain Judgemental , you are too.

 "WHHHAAAAAA? YOU ONLY CHECK ONCE A DAY?  GET. ON. MY. LEVEL."

I blame this addiction on several factors including but not limited to :

-I like being in the loop
-It's a super fast way to spread information 
-I have a smart phone and can check it whenever I get bored
-It's one of the only websites that is constantly changing, so you're never looking at the same thing.

 LIKE THE OCEAN, BUT MORE "POKING" AND "FRIENDING".  AND LESS SHARKS.

In my daily scan of the news feed, I sometimes run into things that make me cringe.  Have I been guilty a time or two of some of these social network sins?  I'm sure I have.  But as the parent (me) always says to the child (you), "Do as I say, not as I do."  

MY KID IS GONNA BE ONE LUCKY SON-OF-A-BITCH.  

So if you're guilty of some of these, we will let it slide a time or two.  However if you are a repeat offender, for the love of God, please STOP.  You are getting dangerously close to the border of NoOneGivesACrapBurg and EnoughAlreadyVille.  

So if you're this person, it's time to regroup...

1.)  The "Everyday, Everything, and Everyone Sucks....all the time.  Forever." Friend

We all have bad days.  Some of us even extend the pity party and have bad weeks or months.  It happens.  But seriously, is EVERY part of your day so bad?  Every post you make indicates you are a mere inches away from the ledge of doom.  Not everything is so depressing, homeslice.  

RELAX BUDDY,  IT WILL RINSE OUT.

The people who do NOTHING but bitch and moan online don't need Facebook, they need a lesson in coping skills.  You know who I'm talking about.  Their status updates look something like this: 

SAD SALLY MCGEE is wondering why work doesn't appreciate me.  Today sucks. 3:15pm

SAD SALLY MCGEE is wishing she had friends who didn't betray her all the time.  2:45pm

SAD SALLY MCGEE is hoping tomorrow will be better than today.  12:01 am

 LOCK IT UP.  YOU'RE A GROWN ASS ADULT.

2.) The "UnFriend and Refriend Cause I Can't Have a Discussion in Real Life" Friend

This is one of the funniest social habits people have picked up since the dawn of Facebook.  "Friending" and "unfriending" (or defriending, whatever floats your boat) people has become the new way to argue.  Is there a time and place you need to do that?  Yes.

You SHOULDN'T be friends with a bully, an ex you cannot get along with, or someone who is spending their day discussing you on their facebook wall (which is a point I will get to later). I also recommend unfriending anyone who has committed murder, violent rape, or anyone who does not watch Modern Family.  (Seriously, who DOESN'T love that show?)

 THIS GUY. 

But back to the point.  The people who friend, unfriend, friend, and unfriend again after an argument about something ridiculous?  Get a grip, NO ONE CARES. 

"ONE LESS FACEBOOK FRIEND? WOW, YOU SURRRRRE SHOWED ME."

 If that is the only way you know how to communicate your frustration with someone, then you don't need Facebook, you need to take a poetry class or something.  

3.) The "Ewwww....ahhhhh....My Updates Are So Vague and Mysterious" Friend. 

I'm all about throwing up a random quote or lyric from time to time, and love when other people do it to.  Do that all you want to.  Some things need to be seen.  My line in the sand is when someone is constantly posting statuses with the entire purpose of making people wonder what's going on in their life.  It's so passive aggressive and stupid it makes my head spin.  You know who I'm talking about:

MYSTERIOUS MILDRED is wondering what all this is about.  4:54 pm

MYSTERIOUS MILDRED is ready for the big news.  Can't wait.  2:14 pm

MYSTERIOUS MILDRED is headed up the stairway to heaven.  1:30 pm 

WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 

And don't even give me that "I didn't say what's going on because I don't want anyone to know my business" excuse.  With a status like that, you want EVERYONE knowing your business because you clearly want them to ask you what's going on.  If you didn't want people to know what was happening, you wouldn't have posted ANYTHING.

Which brings me to the friend on the opposite side of the spectrum....

4.) The "I Love To Overshare Disgusting Details of My Life" Friend. 

Have a good day at work?  Great.  Headed downtown with some friends?  Awesome, can't wait to see pictures.  Did your baby accidentally shit in your mouth while you were changing his diaper or you spent all day vomiting uncontrollably because you ate bad guacamole?  SPARE US THE DETAILS.  

JUST LIVIN' THE DREAM.

To be clear about what is appropriate and what is not I will help you with some examples.  

Changing your relationship status? APPROPRIATE 

Divulging details like the fact that he slept with the babysitter? INAPPROPRIATE

Baby pictures? APPROPRIATE

Delivery pictures showing your "kitten" while you're spread eagle? INAPPROPRIATE

The delish breakfast you had? APPROPRIATE

What it looked like coming out? INAPPROPRIATE 

Saying you're home sick? APPROPRIATE

Saying you're home sick with a yeast infection? NO. HELL NO.

The oversharer is probably equally guilty of being....


5.) The "I Think Facebook is America's Next Top Model" Friend.

Being one of humanity's most unphotogenic people, I really can't go into a mega rant here.  BUT, this is my blog, so I will do what I want to.  The following friend is the classic "let's take sexy pictures in the bathroom" idiot.

NEWSFLASH: It's not sexy, and you look like trailer trash.

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

If you are looking to get laid, go to Match.com sister.  No one wants to see you acting like some kind of porn star all over Facebook.  (Well, I might stand corrected by a few men) It is annoying and not gonna be a ticket to fame, cupcake.  

YOU SEXY BEAST, YOU.

6.) The "The Only Thing Interesting About Me is That I'm Dating Someone" Friend. 

 

Ok ladies (or gentlemen, but I hardly see it with the guys), if the ONLY thing you are talking about is your boyfriend/husband...you need a HOBBY.  Don't get me wrong, they should be one of, if not the most important, people in your life.  But is that the ONLY thing you have going on worth talking about?  These friends remind me of the girl in 11th grade who just got a boyfriend for the first time.  You know who I'm talking about....

CODEPENDENT CATHY is waiting breathlessly for my boyfriend to get home!!! 3:54 pm

CODEPENDENT CATHY is wondering what Bill is doing.  I miss him soooooo much!!! 2:14 pm

CODEPENDENT CATHY is can't stop thinking about her amazing boyfriend ;)  1:34 pm

CODEPENDENT CATHY is incapable of surviving a single second without someone attached to my hip telling me I'm beautiful and giving me trinkets from Cracker Jack boxes. My self worth is about on the same level as a cabbage leaf's.  12:02pm

 

 

SELF WORTH.  FIND SOME. 

 

 

This also goes to the couples who spend their entire day writing back and forth on each other's walls.  Give us a break.  Do I think it's adorable to say sweet things every now and again? Of course.  I am obsessed with the random little "I love you"s I see between couples, and have done that too.  There is no one who loves to celebrate love like I do.  It's fantastic.  But the endless sonnets and constant "can't live without you" nonsense ALL THE TIME?  Come on, who are you trying to convince here?  

 

 

JUST END OUR SUFFERING ALREADY. PLEASE.

on the flip side of the cyber PDA couple we have the....

6.)  The "Wow, Take It To Divorce Court Already" Friend.

This Just In: You're going through a breakup.  Yeah, it sucks.  We've all been there.  But come on, no one needs to see you bashing your ex all over the internet.  Once, maybe twice, ok we get it.  You're upset.  We've all been guilty of that.  But these couples that literally go through the breakup on Facebook?????? Time for a reality check.... that is not appropriate or cool.  

 

 

 

STOP THE MADNESS.

No one is interested in the details of the disease your ex gave you because he had some random night in the back seat of a car after a Meatloaf concert. 

HELPING THE SPREAD OF CHLAMYDIA SINCE '79.

These couples are switching relationship statuses so fast we can all hardly keep it.  Figure out what the hell you want to do, and stick to it.  But figure it out PRIVATELY... cause your dirty laundry doesn't need to be all over a social networking site.  

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: "SINGLE".

I would love to go through the next batch of people that drive me crazy, but I have to go and update my status to let everyone know where I will be drinking beer tonight.  

BEEEEEEEEEEEEER.

In Honor of Mother's Day: 8 Reasons Why Pregnancy Seems Horrifying

Being a mom is the hardest job in the world.  I know that not because I am a mom (well I am to a two year old pug) but because I realize what hell on wheels I was to raise and I was a pretty good kid.  So God only knows how hard it was to raise some of you people.

I RAISE MY BABY THE BEST I CAN

So last week our crew was sitting around discussing life, love, and window treatment options when the conversation shifted to the newest members of our circle who were Leggo-My-Preggo.  With the exception of one best friend (we'll call her Calves) everyone has managed to keep the bun out of the oven so far.

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT MISTER. 

Calves is thrilled about her new addition, and we are over the moon for her...what a champion she is.  Soooo anywho....some of us got to talking about how freaking scary it will be to be pregnant one day. Don't get me wrong, we all want to be moms, but just not right now.  We are total cowards right now.

Being a mom seems awesome though.  Are you kidding me?  Finger painting and Disney movies all day?  AWE. SOME.  Kids are amazing and I can't wait to one day have a hundred little rugrats running around...but this whole pregnancy element?  Whoa.  Right now the idea of one day seeing that blue line across that test means one thing to me...and that one thing is...

Pants. Crapping. Fear.

"HELLO WHITNEY...I WANT TO PLAY A GAME..."

  

I blame this partly on the moms we already know.  We (unpregnant people) never hear the boring stories you have about when things went smoothly during the pregnancy.  Oh hell no.  We only hear the "most painful experience ever" stuff.

Did you also mention that it was the best thing that ever happened to you?  Probably.  But we missed that part because three minutes into your labor war story this was all we could think about...

HOW YOU JUST DESCRIBED WHAT YOUR UTERUS FELT LIKE. 

It's a terrifying thought to us right now. Are some of our fears grossly exaggerated?  Most certainly.  But that is the difference with being ready to have a baby (like Calves) and not ready to have a baby (like the other 20 of us) 

WHAT MOTHERHOOD LOOKS LIKE WHEN YOU'RE READY

WHAT MOTHERHOOD LOOKS LIKE WHEN YOU'RE NOT.

I have a friend, we'll call her Action, that manages to make these fears even worse for me.  Everything that could possibly go wrong in my life she hilariously compares to the feeling of being pregnant.  "You know how you felt when you were hungover that day Whit? Yeah it's like that everyday you're pregnant."  "You know that day you had the best time of your life?  Yeah, you'll never feel like that when you're pregnant."  The list goes on and on.

TELL ME MORE. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A BLAST. 

So what, pray tell, goes through a woman's head who is NOT ready for a baby yet?  Glad you asked, because there is no better time then post- Mother's Day to sing the gospel of the twenty somethings who want a few more years of only having to take care of themselves.

WE CAN ONLY GET AWAY WITH THIS FOR A WEE BIT LONGER.

Pregnancy seems horrifying because...

1.)  Everyday Is Like The Day After a Party, Without the Party. 

Agggg....Morning sickness.  You moms have all been there.  We hear those horror stories about how you puked on the bag boy in the grocery store, in a church pew, and how to this day you can't stand the smell of peanut butter.  These stories terrify us, and the worst part is it seems like there is nothing you can do about it except shove a Saltine cracker down your mouth and endure.

EHHH....I'M NO DOCTOR, BUT THIS DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT. 

Vomiting uncontrollably has the same appeal to me as someone gauging my eyes out with a hot spoon.  And the way a lot of moms describe it, it's never ending.  

LIKE THIS.  BUT MORE PUKE.

No thank you. 

2.)  Holy Betty Ford Batman! We Can't Have Alcohol? 

DON'T .YOU. EVEN. THINK. ABOUT. HAVING. FUN. 

All Southerners know that a good set of pearls and good glass of wine are staples in our culture.  I don't know how everyone else's group of friends work, but we are quick to enjoy a great back deck and a few laughs over a cocktail every so often (very, very often is probably more accurate).  Well, with a bun in the oven, you can forget that.

"I'LL TAKE A VODKA WATER, MINUS THE VODKA, SIDE OF TEARS PLEASE."

Sidenote: I have the utmost respect for pregnant women that have to endure a football season in the South.  Watching your hammered husbands holler and reek of bourbon,  while you are being the responsible Preggo you are and have to act like you are enjoying yourself in 100 degree heat.  And you do it all while sober.    You are a better person then we could ever hope to be right now.

"NO BABE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.  I FEEL GREAT. HAVE ANOTHER BOURBON." .

3.) You Can't Eat Sushi (or other delicious things).

I don't even need to go into details about why not having this:

...is comparable to being stuck in a Vietnamese prison cell with a tranny named Chi-Chi.

4.)  "Ma'am, Your Ankles are Exploding" 
The swelling.  Gosh that seems as fun as swallowing a shot glass full of razor blades.  I already have enough trouble with swelling but I can blame it on the sodium in Ramen noodles and Bud Light.  At any point I can make it go away.  Pregnant people?  Don't even think about it... that wedding ring will have to be cut off and you'll be walking barefoot before you know it.

NOW IMAGINE IF YOU ATE RAMEN NOODLES RIGHT NOW.  TERRIFYING..

5.)  Death Defying Adventure?  Forget It, Laura Croft, Sit Your Ass Down.   
I have never been a huge fan of the fair.  In my mind, any ride that can be put together in 20 minutes with dental floss and WD-40 isn't safe enough for me to get into.  You as a Preggo probably agree with me on that.  I'm sure missing out on the Tea Cups and a fried Snickers doesn't seem so bad.  But then you have the fair's distant, more awesome cousin....The Theme Park.

HELL. YES.

I'll take a good roller coaster any day.  But pregnant people??? You can kiss that goodbye.  My name will have to go from Whitney "Danger" Williams to Whitney "Sit Your Ass on the Sideline and Watch Everyone Else Have Fun."  For all of you who know me...you know I am not a good sideline sitter.

HOW I NORMALLY SPEND MY WEEKENDS.

8.)  "Hey, We Were Looking For Whitney...But Instead Found Something Out Of A Stephen King Novel." 

Ho. Ly. Hormones.  

This element of pregnancy trumps everything else in terms of what I am most afraid of.  My brothers (and probably an ex boyfriend or two) will testify that when I am 

a. Tired 

b. Hungry or 

c. About to go down to Hormone Town once a month I go from this:

GIVE OR TAKE A POUND OR TWO.

To This: 

MY BROTHERS WILL TESTIFY THIS IS ME.  UNDER OATH.

If I am like that not pregnant...how bad will it get once my hormornes are desperately out of my control?? And don't think I'm not worried about several women in my life going through this too.  I have had the luxury of seeing them all have a meltdown and it's not pretty. Let's face it....girls are crazy.  Having something the size of a lima bean controlling whether you end up in prison for a random killing spree is a frightening concept.

THEY HUNT IN PACKS.

So moms, we commend you for your efforts to bring us into the world.  We might act ungrateful sometimes but don't think for a minute we forget what you had to endure for nine months to get us here.  Until we balls up and become mothers ourselves... we salute you.  But next time we ask you how your pregnancy was, just indulge us and tell us it was the easiest thing you've ever had to do.

PIECE OF CAKE.


HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.

Three Things I Should Hate and Yet Am Secretly In Love With

We all have things in our lives we would rather not admit to liking.  Sometimes these things are small (i.e. you don't want to admit to liking brussel sprouts, even though they are awesome) and sometimes they are capable of ruining your life if discovered (i.e. your fetish for breast milk or addiction to Steven Seagal/panda  porn).  

         "TAKE IF OFF NICCCCCCCE AND SLOW.  JUST LIKE THAT BABY..." 


Well, I am here to confess my sins.  While I am not as cool as say, The Fonz, I would consider myself to be a decently tolerable and fun person. Oh no wait, that's right, I'm pretty awesome.  If you disagree, we'll go ahead and discuss it after I buy you another shot of tequila.

                 

                           NO, NO I AM NOT AFRAID TO BUY YOUR LOVE.


Yet there are things in pop culture that I am obsessed with that have the potential to ruin my standing as The Most Awesome Person You Have Ever Met (by the way, if I am, you REALLY need to get out more).So here are three of my pop culture sins, all laid out on the table.  I see myself losing friends quickly over some of these.

1. YOU BET YOUR ASS I HAVE BIEBER FEVER.  

Whoa.  Out of the gates with the big guns.  This little man boy gets me moving and shakin my hips like a white girl at a Vanilla Ice concert 

     "SUP GIRL..."

I am ashamed to confess that I THOUGHT I hated Justi-licious for months and months until I actually figured out what he sang.  I haven't watched MTV in about 10 years so I never had a name/face association going on.  I just knew that everyone my age hated the little Terd that got famous through YouTube and I didn't ask questions.  Never again will I be such a sheep.  Never. Again.

"LET'S BLOW THIS HOTDOG STAND."

Thankfully, God granted me a second chance at a decent life and one day I learned that said Terd sang THIS....

 

WHOA. 

There is nothing about every note of that song that doesn't make me want to get up and dance my ass off.  He's like a miniature Beatle thrown into a blender with a side of Ludacris and a dash of Holy Shit Spice.

I'm fully aware that song will be in your head all day now.  You're welcome.  

2. TEXTING 

While I'm thinking about this, let's pose the question: Is it I "text" my best friend last night or I "texted" my best friend last night?  My gut says "text", but my group can never decide.  

Anywho, this is another one of those habits I hate admitting I love.  My generation is neatly sandwiched in between the generation who still types with one finger and the generation who comes out of their mommy's belly button hole with both an umbilical and a USB chord attached.  

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY...

Here's my deal; While I love talking to anyone and everyone I meet, I am not a big phone talker.  There are only two people I can be on the phone with for an extended period of time.  One is my mother and the other is my friend who loves to debate everything from the meaning of life to why he thinks a Zaxby's salad is like the Second Coming of Chirst. 

 

 

KNEEL BEFORE YOUR GOD.

Anywho, aside from those two, I really am not a big phone person.  That's why texting is AWESOME.  I can get my point across quickly and effortlessly and not get tied up in the "how was your day?" nonsense.  Plus, there is the added benefit that if you get something sweet or funny, you can reread it over and over again and relive the magic feeling it gave you the first time.  

 

 

MORE ROMANTIC THAN SHAKESPERE.

3.) SCI-FI CHANNEL MOVIES (ESPECIALLY with GENETICALLY MUTATED ANIMALS.)

This is one people wouldn't expect.  I am an avid movie-goer, and find myself reviewing movies for friends and family members because I am normally the first one to the threatres.  This is bound to change once people read this and discover that these....

...are not only movies I have seen, they are movies I have seen multiple times, and they are AWESOME. This love for these B grade movies actually began with my Jurassic Park obsession.  I learned just how awesome man eating animals were and the fact is...Hollywood just doesn't make enough movies like that.  

 

"CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN?"

Let's get serious here; you can't honestly tell me you can watch this Sharktopus trailer and NOT want more:

Sex? Giant Monsters? Bad music? It's like a Michael Bay movie made on a McDonald's fry cook salary.  (Assuming they have salaries.)

 

There is only one thing I would like to see made into a movie and here it is; 

 

 

THAT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY HOW AWESOME THIS MOVIE WOULD BE.