TMI, PDA, and OMG: Facebook's Most Annoying Friends

I have no guilt about it, shame in it, or problem admitting it...I am addicted to Facebook.  And if you check it more than once a day, make no mistake Captain Judgemental , you are too.

 "WHHHAAAAAA? YOU ONLY CHECK ONCE A DAY?  GET. ON. MY. LEVEL."

I blame this addiction on several factors including but not limited to :

-I like being in the loop
-It's a super fast way to spread information 
-I have a smart phone and can check it whenever I get bored
-It's one of the only websites that is constantly changing, so you're never looking at the same thing.

 LIKE THE OCEAN, BUT MORE "POKING" AND "FRIENDING".  AND LESS SHARKS.

In my daily scan of the news feed, I sometimes run into things that make me cringe.  Have I been guilty a time or two of some of these social network sins?  I'm sure I have.  But as the parent (me) always says to the child (you), "Do as I say, not as I do."  

MY KID IS GONNA BE ONE LUCKY SON-OF-A-BITCH.  

So if you're guilty of some of these, we will let it slide a time or two.  However if you are a repeat offender, for the love of God, please STOP.  You are getting dangerously close to the border of NoOneGivesACrapBurg and EnoughAlreadyVille.  

So if you're this person, it's time to regroup...

1.)  The "Everyday, Everything, and Everyone Sucks....all the time.  Forever." Friend

We all have bad days.  Some of us even extend the pity party and have bad weeks or months.  It happens.  But seriously, is EVERY part of your day so bad?  Every post you make indicates you are a mere inches away from the ledge of doom.  Not everything is so depressing, homeslice.  

RELAX BUDDY,  IT WILL RINSE OUT.

The people who do NOTHING but bitch and moan online don't need Facebook, they need a lesson in coping skills.  You know who I'm talking about.  Their status updates look something like this: 

SAD SALLY MCGEE is wondering why work doesn't appreciate me.  Today sucks. 3:15pm

SAD SALLY MCGEE is wishing she had friends who didn't betray her all the time.  2:45pm

SAD SALLY MCGEE is hoping tomorrow will be better than today.  12:01 am

 LOCK IT UP.  YOU'RE A GROWN ASS ADULT.

2.) The "UnFriend and Refriend Cause I Can't Have a Discussion in Real Life" Friend

This is one of the funniest social habits people have picked up since the dawn of Facebook.  "Friending" and "unfriending" (or defriending, whatever floats your boat) people has become the new way to argue.  Is there a time and place you need to do that?  Yes.

You SHOULDN'T be friends with a bully, an ex you cannot get along with, or someone who is spending their day discussing you on their facebook wall (which is a point I will get to later). I also recommend unfriending anyone who has committed murder, violent rape, or anyone who does not watch Modern Family.  (Seriously, who DOESN'T love that show?)

 THIS GUY. 

But back to the point.  The people who friend, unfriend, friend, and unfriend again after an argument about something ridiculous?  Get a grip, NO ONE CARES. 

"ONE LESS FACEBOOK FRIEND? WOW, YOU SURRRRRE SHOWED ME."

 If that is the only way you know how to communicate your frustration with someone, then you don't need Facebook, you need to take a poetry class or something.  

3.) The "Ewwww....ahhhhh....My Updates Are So Vague and Mysterious" Friend. 

I'm all about throwing up a random quote or lyric from time to time, and love when other people do it to.  Do that all you want to.  Some things need to be seen.  My line in the sand is when someone is constantly posting statuses with the entire purpose of making people wonder what's going on in their life.  It's so passive aggressive and stupid it makes my head spin.  You know who I'm talking about:

MYSTERIOUS MILDRED is wondering what all this is about.  4:54 pm

MYSTERIOUS MILDRED is ready for the big news.  Can't wait.  2:14 pm

MYSTERIOUS MILDRED is headed up the stairway to heaven.  1:30 pm 

WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 

And don't even give me that "I didn't say what's going on because I don't want anyone to know my business" excuse.  With a status like that, you want EVERYONE knowing your business because you clearly want them to ask you what's going on.  If you didn't want people to know what was happening, you wouldn't have posted ANYTHING.

Which brings me to the friend on the opposite side of the spectrum....

4.) The "I Love To Overshare Disgusting Details of My Life" Friend. 

Have a good day at work?  Great.  Headed downtown with some friends?  Awesome, can't wait to see pictures.  Did your baby accidentally shit in your mouth while you were changing his diaper or you spent all day vomiting uncontrollably because you ate bad guacamole?  SPARE US THE DETAILS.  

JUST LIVIN' THE DREAM.

To be clear about what is appropriate and what is not I will help you with some examples.  

Changing your relationship status? APPROPRIATE 

Divulging details like the fact that he slept with the babysitter? INAPPROPRIATE

Baby pictures? APPROPRIATE

Delivery pictures showing your "kitten" while you're spread eagle? INAPPROPRIATE

The delish breakfast you had? APPROPRIATE

What it looked like coming out? INAPPROPRIATE 

Saying you're home sick? APPROPRIATE

Saying you're home sick with a yeast infection? NO. HELL NO.

The oversharer is probably equally guilty of being....


5.) The "I Think Facebook is America's Next Top Model" Friend.

Being one of humanity's most unphotogenic people, I really can't go into a mega rant here.  BUT, this is my blog, so I will do what I want to.  The following friend is the classic "let's take sexy pictures in the bathroom" idiot.

NEWSFLASH: It's not sexy, and you look like trailer trash.

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

If you are looking to get laid, go to Match.com sister.  No one wants to see you acting like some kind of porn star all over Facebook.  (Well, I might stand corrected by a few men) It is annoying and not gonna be a ticket to fame, cupcake.  

YOU SEXY BEAST, YOU.

6.) The "The Only Thing Interesting About Me is That I'm Dating Someone" Friend. 

 

Ok ladies (or gentlemen, but I hardly see it with the guys), if the ONLY thing you are talking about is your boyfriend/husband...you need a HOBBY.  Don't get me wrong, they should be one of, if not the most important, people in your life.  But is that the ONLY thing you have going on worth talking about?  These friends remind me of the girl in 11th grade who just got a boyfriend for the first time.  You know who I'm talking about....

CODEPENDENT CATHY is waiting breathlessly for my boyfriend to get home!!! 3:54 pm

CODEPENDENT CATHY is wondering what Bill is doing.  I miss him soooooo much!!! 2:14 pm

CODEPENDENT CATHY is can't stop thinking about her amazing boyfriend ;)  1:34 pm

CODEPENDENT CATHY is incapable of surviving a single second without someone attached to my hip telling me I'm beautiful and giving me trinkets from Cracker Jack boxes. My self worth is about on the same level as a cabbage leaf's.  12:02pm

 

 

SELF WORTH.  FIND SOME. 

 

 

This also goes to the couples who spend their entire day writing back and forth on each other's walls.  Give us a break.  Do I think it's adorable to say sweet things every now and again? Of course.  I am obsessed with the random little "I love you"s I see between couples, and have done that too.  There is no one who loves to celebrate love like I do.  It's fantastic.  But the endless sonnets and constant "can't live without you" nonsense ALL THE TIME?  Come on, who are you trying to convince here?  

 

 

JUST END OUR SUFFERING ALREADY. PLEASE.

on the flip side of the cyber PDA couple we have the....

6.)  The "Wow, Take It To Divorce Court Already" Friend.

This Just In: You're going through a breakup.  Yeah, it sucks.  We've all been there.  But come on, no one needs to see you bashing your ex all over the internet.  Once, maybe twice, ok we get it.  You're upset.  We've all been guilty of that.  But these couples that literally go through the breakup on Facebook?????? Time for a reality check.... that is not appropriate or cool.  

 

 

 

STOP THE MADNESS.

No one is interested in the details of the disease your ex gave you because he had some random night in the back seat of a car after a Meatloaf concert. 

HELPING THE SPREAD OF CHLAMYDIA SINCE '79.

These couples are switching relationship statuses so fast we can all hardly keep it.  Figure out what the hell you want to do, and stick to it.  But figure it out PRIVATELY... cause your dirty laundry doesn't need to be all over a social networking site.  

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: "SINGLE".

I would love to go through the next batch of people that drive me crazy, but I have to go and update my status to let everyone know where I will be drinking beer tonight.  

BEEEEEEEEEEEEER.