In Honor of Mother's Day: 8 Reasons Why Pregnancy Seems Horrifying

Being a mom is the hardest job in the world.  I know that not because I am a mom (well I am to a two year old pug) but because I realize what hell on wheels I was to raise and I was a pretty good kid.  So God only knows how hard it was to raise some of you people.

I RAISE MY BABY THE BEST I CAN

So last week our crew was sitting around discussing life, love, and window treatment options when the conversation shifted to the newest members of our circle who were Leggo-My-Preggo.  With the exception of one best friend (we'll call her Calves) everyone has managed to keep the bun out of the oven so far.

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT MISTER. 

Calves is thrilled about her new addition, and we are over the moon for her...what a champion she is.  Soooo anywho....some of us got to talking about how freaking scary it will be to be pregnant one day. Don't get me wrong, we all want to be moms, but just not right now.  We are total cowards right now.

Being a mom seems awesome though.  Are you kidding me?  Finger painting and Disney movies all day?  AWE. SOME.  Kids are amazing and I can't wait to one day have a hundred little rugrats running around...but this whole pregnancy element?  Whoa.  Right now the idea of one day seeing that blue line across that test means one thing to me...and that one thing is...

Pants. Crapping. Fear.

"HELLO WHITNEY...I WANT TO PLAY A GAME..."

  

I blame this partly on the moms we already know.  We (unpregnant people) never hear the boring stories you have about when things went smoothly during the pregnancy.  Oh hell no.  We only hear the "most painful experience ever" stuff.

Did you also mention that it was the best thing that ever happened to you?  Probably.  But we missed that part because three minutes into your labor war story this was all we could think about...

HOW YOU JUST DESCRIBED WHAT YOUR UTERUS FELT LIKE. 

It's a terrifying thought to us right now. Are some of our fears grossly exaggerated?  Most certainly.  But that is the difference with being ready to have a baby (like Calves) and not ready to have a baby (like the other 20 of us) 

WHAT MOTHERHOOD LOOKS LIKE WHEN YOU'RE READY

WHAT MOTHERHOOD LOOKS LIKE WHEN YOU'RE NOT.

I have a friend, we'll call her Action, that manages to make these fears even worse for me.  Everything that could possibly go wrong in my life she hilariously compares to the feeling of being pregnant.  "You know how you felt when you were hungover that day Whit? Yeah it's like that everyday you're pregnant."  "You know that day you had the best time of your life?  Yeah, you'll never feel like that when you're pregnant."  The list goes on and on.

TELL ME MORE. THIS SOUNDS LIKE A BLAST. 

So what, pray tell, goes through a woman's head who is NOT ready for a baby yet?  Glad you asked, because there is no better time then post- Mother's Day to sing the gospel of the twenty somethings who want a few more years of only having to take care of themselves.

WE CAN ONLY GET AWAY WITH THIS FOR A WEE BIT LONGER.

Pregnancy seems horrifying because...

1.)  Everyday Is Like The Day After a Party, Without the Party. 

Agggg....Morning sickness.  You moms have all been there.  We hear those horror stories about how you puked on the bag boy in the grocery store, in a church pew, and how to this day you can't stand the smell of peanut butter.  These stories terrify us, and the worst part is it seems like there is nothing you can do about it except shove a Saltine cracker down your mouth and endure.

EHHH....I'M NO DOCTOR, BUT THIS DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT. 

Vomiting uncontrollably has the same appeal to me as someone gauging my eyes out with a hot spoon.  And the way a lot of moms describe it, it's never ending.  

LIKE THIS.  BUT MORE PUKE.

No thank you. 

2.)  Holy Betty Ford Batman! We Can't Have Alcohol? 

DON'T .YOU. EVEN. THINK. ABOUT. HAVING. FUN. 

All Southerners know that a good set of pearls and good glass of wine are staples in our culture.  I don't know how everyone else's group of friends work, but we are quick to enjoy a great back deck and a few laughs over a cocktail every so often (very, very often is probably more accurate).  Well, with a bun in the oven, you can forget that.

"I'LL TAKE A VODKA WATER, MINUS THE VODKA, SIDE OF TEARS PLEASE."

Sidenote: I have the utmost respect for pregnant women that have to endure a football season in the South.  Watching your hammered husbands holler and reek of bourbon,  while you are being the responsible Preggo you are and have to act like you are enjoying yourself in 100 degree heat.  And you do it all while sober.    You are a better person then we could ever hope to be right now.

"NO BABE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.  I FEEL GREAT. HAVE ANOTHER BOURBON." .

3.) You Can't Eat Sushi (or other delicious things).

I don't even need to go into details about why not having this:

...is comparable to being stuck in a Vietnamese prison cell with a tranny named Chi-Chi.

4.)  "Ma'am, Your Ankles are Exploding" 
The swelling.  Gosh that seems as fun as swallowing a shot glass full of razor blades.  I already have enough trouble with swelling but I can blame it on the sodium in Ramen noodles and Bud Light.  At any point I can make it go away.  Pregnant people?  Don't even think about it... that wedding ring will have to be cut off and you'll be walking barefoot before you know it.

NOW IMAGINE IF YOU ATE RAMEN NOODLES RIGHT NOW.  TERRIFYING..

5.)  Death Defying Adventure?  Forget It, Laura Croft, Sit Your Ass Down.   
I have never been a huge fan of the fair.  In my mind, any ride that can be put together in 20 minutes with dental floss and WD-40 isn't safe enough for me to get into.  You as a Preggo probably agree with me on that.  I'm sure missing out on the Tea Cups and a fried Snickers doesn't seem so bad.  But then you have the fair's distant, more awesome cousin....The Theme Park.

HELL. YES.

I'll take a good roller coaster any day.  But pregnant people??? You can kiss that goodbye.  My name will have to go from Whitney "Danger" Williams to Whitney "Sit Your Ass on the Sideline and Watch Everyone Else Have Fun."  For all of you who know me...you know I am not a good sideline sitter.

HOW I NORMALLY SPEND MY WEEKENDS.

8.)  "Hey, We Were Looking For Whitney...But Instead Found Something Out Of A Stephen King Novel." 

Ho. Ly. Hormones.  

This element of pregnancy trumps everything else in terms of what I am most afraid of.  My brothers (and probably an ex boyfriend or two) will testify that when I am 

a. Tired 

b. Hungry or 

c. About to go down to Hormone Town once a month I go from this:

GIVE OR TAKE A POUND OR TWO.

To This: 

MY BROTHERS WILL TESTIFY THIS IS ME.  UNDER OATH.

If I am like that not pregnant...how bad will it get once my hormornes are desperately out of my control?? And don't think I'm not worried about several women in my life going through this too.  I have had the luxury of seeing them all have a meltdown and it's not pretty. Let's face it....girls are crazy.  Having something the size of a lima bean controlling whether you end up in prison for a random killing spree is a frightening concept.

THEY HUNT IN PACKS.

So moms, we commend you for your efforts to bring us into the world.  We might act ungrateful sometimes but don't think for a minute we forget what you had to endure for nine months to get us here.  Until we balls up and become mothers ourselves... we salute you.  But next time we ask you how your pregnancy was, just indulge us and tell us it was the easiest thing you've ever had to do.

PIECE OF CAKE.


HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.