Boys, if you only take
one piece of advice from me, please take this one:
GIRLS ARE CRAZY.
ALL OF US. EVERY SINGLE ONE. Now, before I hear the sharpening of
pitchforks, the clanging of gasoline cans, and the battle cries of women
everywhere…hear me out.
ANNNND THIS IS WHAT I'LL BE COMING HOME TO.
Ladies, just
fess up…it’s time. We have all done
something off the wall, embarrassing, or down right ridiculous regarding a man
at some point in our lives. Love makes people nuts.
That’s part of growing up. Gentlemen, help me help you so you don’t get your ass beaten by a woman and have to tell your boys you “fell down the stairs”. Ladies, the more men know, the better. We will all be happier in the end.
"IS THE WIRE THAT CONNECTS YOUR HEART TO YOUR BRAIN THE RED OR BLUE ONE CAUSE I NEED TO KNOW."
That’s part of growing up. Gentlemen, help me help you so you don’t get your ass beaten by a woman and have to tell your boys you “fell down the stairs”. Ladies, the more men know, the better. We will all be happier in the end.
Let’s go over a few fundament
truths so you boys can finally see some light at the end of the tunnel.
"I'M BACK BITCHES"
Here is a list of the
top ten things men understand about women:
1.)
2.)
3.)
4.)
5.)
6.)
7.)
8.)
9.)
10.)
"DA F&CK?"
TRUTH #1: ALL WOMEN ARE CRAZY AND THE ONE WHO SAYS SHE
ISN’T IS THE CRAZIEST OF THEM ALL.
"I'M SO COOL GUYS"
Anyone who has ever had
happy hour with me has heard me say this a million times. It’s the truth and let me explain why. There are certain levels of crazy. Let’s say on a scale of one to ten it ranges
like this.
"I'LL KILL YOUR DOG AND LIGHT YOUR HOUSE ON FIRE IF YOU LEAVE ME."
Boys, you have to find
a woman who ranks somewhere on that scale you can handle, but make no mistake,
we ALL fall somewhere on that scale.
The girl trotting
around bars with her boobs hanging out talking about what a “guys girl” she is
and how “laid back” she is and how she’s “never done anything crazy” probably
has an ex-boyfriend somewhere in a basement, fetal position, emotionally traumatized
from the ninja mind f&cking he’s endured from said “cool chick” for the
past year.
Keep that in mind the
next time Little Miss Hot Tits tells you how “laid back she is”.
TRUTH #2: HER BEING
ANGRY WITH YOU IS BETTER THAN HER BEING INDIFFERENT.
It’s astonishing to me
that 99% of attorneys walking the earth today aren’t women, because God knows
we can win an argument. What men fail to
understand is that any argument you’ve ever had with a woman she’s probably
already played out 293802 times in her head.
We are way ahead of you. So if we
can’t beat you with the classic ninja mindfuck, we’ll just wear you down until
you give up.
"JUST MAKE IT STOP."
How do you avoid this
disaster?
FAKE LIKE YOU GIVE A
SH*T ABOUT WHAT SHE’S TALKING ABOUT.
In a perfect world, I would
say honestly try and understand where she is coming from and be sympathetic,
but since you guys barely understand how to tie your bowtie, I won’t ask too
much. Bottom line; if you spend 2
MINUTES giving her your undivided attention, you won’t have to spend 2 HOURS listening
to how you are not a good listener. Capishe?
SO SIMPLE!
It’s when a woman
becomes indifferent that you need to be worried. If the woman you care about has suddenly stopped
fighting about something, it’s because she’s emotionally checked out of the
relationship, and there’s no coming back from that, buddy.
THAT'S YOU.
TRUTH #3: YOU WILL
NEVER BE NOAH CALHOUN.
Let’s get something
straight right now guys. I know you
cried during The Notebook. Don’t fight
me on this one, you all did and that’s cool.
It’s a great story. There’s a bit
of a double standard regarding it, but whatever. Sure, Noah can risk his life on a Ferris
wheel for a date with Allie, spend years empty and alone while she is gone, and
build a house for her when she is not even in his life and we think it is the
greatest love story ever told. If a
woman did that for a man? We would
instantly commit her to an insane asylum because she has clearly lost her
marbles. But no matter, still a great
story. Back to my point.
You will never be Noah,
but damnit try a little harder to be. Women have a habit of loving the way they
want to be loved. Guys, that’s the greatest heads up ever. Is she a note writer? Write her a damn note. Does she drop little gifts off? Head to the
Dollar Tree and pick her up a damn box of NERDS. Tells you how great you
are? Compliment her in front of your
friends. Made a joke that hurt her
feelings?
OH SHIT.
"THINK YOU'RE A COMEDIAN BIG GUY? WELCOME TO THE F&CKIN' LAUGH FACTORY."
Men would be utterly
shocked to know much the statement “a little goes a long way” is true with
women. On that note…
We all know Noah wrote Allie 365 letters expressing how much he loved her. Let’s be honest guys, you can barely write out a grocery list. So we’ll make this easy.
LOTS OF GROCERIES.
Here's how to get out of trouble with a woman.
Step 1.) Take out a sheet of paper and a pen.
Step 2.) Write down a
description regarding how you feel about your favorite football team and favorite
beer.
Step 3.) Address it to
the woman you are in trouble with.
You’re welcome.
TRUTH #4: GIRLFRIENDS
TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING, AND THIS CAN BE YOUR SAVING GRACE OR A DEATH SENTENCE.
When a man is courting
a woman, he throws out all the stops: Shaves,
cuts his toenails, and wipes his ass more than twice.
MAYBE.
The problem is most
guys forget to court the friends too.
The most successful boyfriends and husbands will tell you this is
critical for long term success.
Why?
BECAUSE A WOMAN’S FRIENDS
WHO LIKE YOU WILL SAVE YOUR ASS IF YOU’RE IN TROUBLE.
"WE LOVE THAT GUY!! LET'S NOT MAKE HIS LIFE MISERABLE! BREAK!"
Exhibit A: WINE NIGHT.
Wine and a group of
women is one of the most fascinating human experiences to watch.
HOW MOST MEN FEEL RIGHT BEFORE A WOMAN GETS HOME FROM ONE.
Scenario 1: Girl spills
the beans about you to her girlfriends, and you as a man have succeeded in making
her friends fall in love with you. You
came home late the other night and never called.
“He came home late the
other night, and I was exhausted and started yelling (sip wine) (comforted by
girlfriends). He really is just so
inconsiderate. (Wine) Maybe we should
talk about this again. (Friends love the
guy, come to his defense) “Well, maybe you girls are right; I am being hard on
him… He has been so great lately. (Wine) And he did help Betty Lou move the
other day. I am so lucky to have
him. (Wine) I’m gonna head home now.
Love you girls. Thanks”
HEADS HOME, HOT SEX
ENSUES, AND SHE’S APOLOGIZING TO YOU!
WIN!!
Scenario 2: Girl spills the beans about you, and you as a
man have failed to get close to her girlfriends so they have no emotional attachment
to you.
“He came home late the
other night, but he’s the greatest, we are so happy. He made me dinner the other night… (Sip wine)
We ate too much... wait…am I gaining weight? (Friends say “of course not”) (Wine)
Oh God I’m gaining weight… he isn’t attracted to me anymore (wine)… Maybe he’s
in love with the babysitter? It’s the babysitter…I know it. (Friends say nothing) (Wine) He’s an asshole…
I hate him. (Friends agree) (Wine) We
are gonna fight when we get home and he won’t even know what the hell I’m talking
about but who cares because he’s screwing the babysitter and I want another
glass of wine. (Friends pour another glass, suggest lawyer)”
"WHERE'S THE DENTAL FLOSS...I'M GOING TO HANG MYSELF IN THE BATHROOM"
YOU’RE DOOMED.
So boys, remember,
friends are just as important. There is
a reason we travel in packs to the bathroom.
It’s always good to have the girlfriends on your team.
I could go on for decades
about these matters, but I had a lunch break to finish this. Remember: If it takes too long to kill someone with kindness... a woman will just kill you with antifreeeze. Just follow my advice so you make it out
alive.
"I TOOK WHIT'S ADVICE... AND NOW I CAN GET CAUGHT WATCHING PORN AND SHE DOESN'T POISON MY COFFEE ANYMORE."
Best of luck to you
boys… It’s a jungle out there.
