Facebook's Most Annoying Friends: Part Deux

Konichiwa sweethearts.


I was scrolling through my pictures the other day on my busted IPhone when I had a realization among the photos of my breathtakingly handsome nephew, my majestic pug, and a third category we will discuss below.  And that realization was…

I am a horrible person. 

FACT: KILLING SOMEONE WITH KINDNESS IS A TOTALLY INEFFECTIVE METHOD OF HOMICIDE. 

I realized that nearly 20% (ok… pushing 45%) of my photos were screen shots of Facebook statuses so excruciating I had to send them to my best friends and family so they could share the crushing weight of agony I was under.   That is not very nice and I should probably speak to a professional about it. 

I ASSUME THE ONLY THING A DOCTOR WOULD WRITE DOWN DURING AN APPOINTMENT WITH ME WOULD BE THE WORD “LEGENDARY”. 

I wrote an article two years ago titled “Facebook’s Most Annoying Friends” that you can find further back in the blog.  Well, we are back for round two my friends… because the last few weeks have left me wanting to gouge my eyes out with a hot spoon.  So saddle up and grab a pumpkin spice latte, white girls. 

I CAN’T AFFORD TO OPEN MY HEART TO LIMITED EDITION COFFEE FLAVORS BECAUSE I AM DEAD INSIDE, SO I’LL JUST GRAB A REDBULL.

Let’s go over some of the world’s most annoying social media goons so you can avoid being one.

1. THE “I LOVE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT FACEBOOK, ON FACEBOOK” FRIEND. 

This friend clearly doesn’t understand the definition of irony.  They go on a three page rant on their wall, their FACEBOOK wall, about some minor change Facebook has made to its layout.  Ummmm… Seriously?

"IDIOT" 

I always laugh when I see people go off about this, wondering if they even realize the forum they are complaining about is the very forum that gives them a platform in the first place.  Don’t like Facebook?  Go complain on Myspace about it… I’m sure they’d love to have you back.

 PICTURED: EXECUTIVES AT MYSPACE ATTEMPTING TO BECOME RELEVANT AGAIN

Congratulations complainer, based on your recent attempts to protest an insignificant change regarding a multibillion dollar web tyrant you spend three hours a day on, you now qualify for mental health services. 





SIDENOTE: IF YOU DON’T ALREADY HATE PEOPLE, READING YOUTUBE COMMENTS IS A FANTASTIC PLACE TO START. 

THANK YOU FOR KNOWING JUSSSSSSST ENOUGH ABOUT THE TOPIC YOU'RE COMMENTING ON TO BE COMPLETELY USELESS.

2.)  THE “I TAKE SELFIES EVERY CHANCE I GET” FRIEND. 

Listen, we are all guilty of it.  Selfies are fun from time to time and especially fun if you realize how lame they are. 

It’s the friends on my feed that take a selfie every nanosecond with the idea that it is super sexy.  It is not. 

MAKE SURE TO GET YOUR TITS IN THE PIC, LADIES. BOYS LIKE THAT. 

I once dated a guy for a nanosecond (felt like an eternity) who was obsessed with selfies. (I know I know, I should have known right then and there we weren’t gonna work out.)  I mean, COME ON DUDE… do you not feel like a complete tool taking those all the time?  And don’t you have any friends around who can take a picture?

I WISH A HAD A THIRD OF THE CONFIDENCE CREEPY GUYS WHO SEND SELFIES TO GIRLS THEY ARE TRYING TO BANG HAVE. 

Unless you are taking them to show us a funny shirt or some sweet new kicks you got… understand no one really give a sh*t about what you look like after a workout.  Which leads us to the next most annoying friend…

3.)  THE “I ONLY TALK ABOUT WORKING OUT” FRIEND. 

STUD. 

Good God. We get it.  You go to the gym. Congrats.   You gulped down a protein packed glass of garbage juice and did a kettle bell workout that made your bulging thigh muscles detach from your bones.  Let’s limit the discussion about it to one post please.  We don’t need to see an update every fourteen minutes about how you’re “killing it” at the gym.

NO MATTER WHAT DIFFERENCES WE HAVE, WE ARE ALL UNITED IN OUR HATRED FOR BURPEES AND THE OVERUSE OF THE TERM “BEASTMODE”.

I don’t think I would mind these posts so much if they were limited and interesting.  It has nothing to do with you working out… keep that up cause that’s awesome.  The thing is, “I Only Talk About Working Out” friend, you seem uninteresting because your posts are all identical.

SORRY I FAKED DEMON POSSESSION TO AVOID HEARING ABOUT YOUR WORKOUT TODAY.

Maybe let’s jazz it up a notch and instead of tagging yourself at the gym you could post one of your 489230 shirtless selfies and say you just killed a dragon or something.  I could get on board with that. 

A 26.2 BUMPER STICKER IS THE MOST TACTFUL WAY TO TELL EVERYONE YOU HAVE PISSED YOURSELF IN A PAIR OF UMBROS.

Sidenote: This “I have a gluten allergy” epidemic is out of control, so settle down with those claims, America.  Does it exist? Sure.  Does it exist to the extent marketing giants would like you to believe?  Hell no.  So shut up already and eat the brownie, 99.9% of the population without legitimate gluten hypersensitivity.  Tighten up.

ONE OF THE BEST THINGS YOU CAN DO WHILE SOMEONE IS EXPLAINING THEIR “GLUTEN ALLERGY” IS TO ORDER YOURSELF AN ENTIRE PIZZA. 

4.) THE “HOLY SHIT I’M IN A RELATIONSHIP AND NO LONGER KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE LIKE A RATIONAL HUMAN BEING ON SOCIAL MEDIA” FRIEND.

"MAKE THAT A DOUBLE, BARTENDER"

We all have one.  I seem to have a few.  You know how it goes. 

STEP ONE: Friend is right at the precipice of a relationship.  May become official at anytime. 

STEP TWO: Friend changes relationship status. 

STEP THREE: Friend becomes the most annoying human being social media has ever seen. 

I JUST CALLED. TO SAY. I TEXTED YOU. 

This is the type of girl friend who is Facebooking her new boyfriend while she’s sitting next to him on the couch. 

This is the type of guy friend who dates a girl for two weeks and then changes his relationship status on Facebook. 

This is the type of monster who uses the phrase “so blessed” and "love of my life" regarding EVERY person they date. 

"YOU DON'T HAVE THAT MANY SOULMATES!!!!" 

These are the people who are just looking to hold someone...



Hostage. 

5.) THE “HOLY SHIT I’M OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP AND NO LONGER KNOW HOW TO BEHAVE LIKE A RATIONAL HUMAN BEING ON SOCIAL MEDIA” FRIEND.

"TWO WEEK RELATIONSHIP ENDED. TIME TO START POSTING SONG LYRICS ABOUT MY PAIN." 

We all have one.  I seem to have a few.  You know how it goes.

STEP ONE: Cryptic, inspirational quotes start appearing on their Facebook feed that solicit concern.  You know there is trouble in paradise, but when you try to extend support you get the response “Oh nothing is wrong” (sigh). 

STEP TWO: The Facebook relationship status changes.  Empires fall.  Families divide. 

STEP THREE: Friend has an absolutely humiliating daily meltdown on social media, passive aggressively exposing details of the relationship no one needed/wanted to know. 

LIFE TIP FOR DRAMA QUEENS: MOST PROBLEMS EXIST ONLY IN YOUR MIND.  SO CUT YOUR HEAD OFF AND SHUT UP ALREADY.

Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend.  And remember, your workout doesn't count unless you post about it.  See you at the gym.