The Men Your Mother Failed To Warn You About

                     THE MEN YOUR MOTHER FAILED TO WARN YOU ABOUT.

So I was out and about this weekend after the Crawfish Festival (yes, we have a festival centered around crawfish, welcome to South Carolina) and ran into some up and coming sorority girls at one of my favorite “watering holes”. They were doe eyed and happy, ready to conquer the world and meet their Prince Charming. The goal? Be engaged by junior year, have both their Bachelor’s and their MRS degree by the time they exit college. I personally never really understood the pressure, but such is standard in the South, so while waiting for cocktails we got to chatting about…you guessed it….boys.

 

                               CHARM THE PANTS OFF ‘EM, LADIES

Being the older, wiser version of these lovely girls, I was giving them advice about who to avoid during their college years. I’m sure none of them will heed my warning, just like I didn’t listen to my older friends, but such is life. All I can do is try. 

                              "TELL ME YOUR TROUBLES FRESHMEN." 

Ladies, we all grew up with warnings from mom about what type of men you shouldn’t associate with. You remember the drill: Don’t date men that cheat (Been there). Don’t date men that lie (Done that). Don’t date men that wear navy socks with black shoes. (Oh hell naw!) You know, the essential things.

                                  KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE PRIZE.

But there are certain types of men we don’t hear about very often who should also be avoided at all costs. How do I know this? Because I have at some point in my life either dated, watched a friend date, or am friends with one of the following gentlemen. So listen up girls, you need to be warning your friends about these boys too. 

 CLEARLY, I HOPE I DON'T NEED TO EXPLAIN WHY THIS IS WRONG ON EVERY LEVEL.

1.) MR. SECOND VERSE, SAME AS THE FIRST

You think you’re dating The One. You’re actually dating the male equivalent to a Taylor Swift album. Every relationship he’s ever been in has been EXACTLY the same. Same habits, same pet names, same kisses, gifts, all of it. You are not only the current girlfriend, you are also the ex before you and the ex before her. This guy is in love with Love, not with you. Red flags include:

1. You look suspiciously like every other girl he’s ever dated.
2. You get very comfortable too quickly and have your own “relationship rituals” within the first week.
3. You stumble upon an old love letter to his ex and it says the EXACT same things as one you just received a week ago.
4. You see an old picture of the ex girlfriend only to discover she’s wearing the same piece of jewelry you got as an anniversary gift just weeks before.

(The last two have actually happened to me)

Run for the hills with this one girls. I promise, six months after the breakup you’ll hear he’s dating someone who looks like you, acts like you, the whole nine yards. At that point, you can have a vodka tonic and thank the Lord you didn’t end up with Captain Cookie Cutter. 

        PICTURED: THE EX, YOU, AND THE FUTURE GIRLFRIEND.  BETTER GET  ACQUAINTED.

Which leads us to…

2. THE TORTURED SOUL

You think you’re dating someone with that “Bruce Wayne” quality. Something dark is hidden in him and being the rescuer that you are, you dive in head first. It’s sexy. It’s exciting. The high of never REALLY being able to figure him out leaves you always wanting more. You can “save” him. Well ladies, congrats, you’re actually dating a psychopath.

                                          "WELL HELLO BEAUTIFUL."

Tortured souls are the hardest to get away from. They seem broken in the sort of way every leading character in a Nicholas Sparks novel is. The problem here lies in the fact that he is like that because something IS broken. Honey, he’s not sitting around thinking about solving the world’s problems, taking out stress while kayaking across the pond, or writing love letters. He is probably sitting around drinking scotch and trying not to snap you in half like a twig because you’re interrupting his “man time.”

                                   WANTED FOR DOUBLE HOMICIDE.

Those arguments that are “full of passion” and lead to door slamming, screaming, and hot make up sex? Yeah, that’s NOT how it’s supposed to go. So you need to tell homeslice he needs a few hours in therapy or he needs to make an exit from your life. Be sure to put away all sharp objects before you have this conversation. 

                            "HONEY, WE NEED TO TALK..." 

So you drop your boyfriend off and then suddenly you meet…

3. THE NEGOTIATOR

Every woman at some point in her college career has dated (or been cornered at a party by) this douchebag. This is the guy who doesn’t understand the universe unless he is getting his way. Instead of acting like a grownup when life isn’t handing him gummi bears and lollipops, he pouts his way through everything. He is the relationship equivalent to waterboarding. 

        "ONE DATE? NO? JUST ONE. PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE?" 

Nothing is off limits, and these men generally end up becoming lawyers because they have mastered the fine art of asking the same question ten different ways to get the result they want. There is never a simple conversation with this guy. He’ll take you to the movies only IF you will help him with laundry. He’ll kill that giant spider in the bathroom only IF you grab him a beer. Nothing is done just to be a nice guy. 

 

NEGOTIATION TACTIC.  ALSO, MOTHER NATURE'S WAY OF TELLING YOU SHE ENJOYS YOUR TOURMENTING NIGHTMARES.

And don’t think he’s above bringing these tactics into the bedroom. If you’ve ever rejected a man and the conversation went something like this…

“Please”

“No”

“Come on. Just for a minute”

“Dude, I’m not a microwave, get the hell away from me.”

…then you have dated THE NEGOTIATOR.

                       

                                 NOT. YOUR. GIRLFRIEND.

So if that boyfriend DOES end up working for a law firm then you are sure to meet…

4. MR. WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.

Ah, we all know this guy. Perhaps some of you reading this ARE this guy. Mr. Whole Truth is the man who believes that omitting vital details of a story still keeps the story true. He pats himself on the back because he’s so “honest” with you. 

 

"BABY, WOULD I EVER LIE TO YOU?"

Mr. Whole Truth’s conversations go something like this…

“How was last night honey?”

“Great.”

“What did you do with the guys?”

“Not much. Ate some dinner and just hung out. It was low key.”

                     JUST ANOTHER LOW KEY NIGHT WITH THE BOYS. 

The problem with this conversation isn’t that he ate the buffet special at the stripclub (that’s a whollllle separate issue) or that he had guys night there. It’s the fact that he randomly “forgets to mention” he’s had little Miss Cinnamon Tits in his face all night. This is the same guy who will “love the staff” at his favorite bar downtown yet “forget to mention” he banged out the female bartender for 3 years back in college. 

                             SHE MAKES THE BEST DIRTY MARTINI IN TOWN.

He honestly believes he is a knight in shining armor for giving you any details at all. Did he lie to you? Technically, no. But does omitting little details (like geographic location or who has seen your wang) change the ENTIRE story? Yes. He will spend the next 3 days after that conversation feeling really good about himself and consider you lucky for dating him.

                                 "MY GIRLFRIEND IS SO LUCKY TO HAVE ME."

So ladies, when demanding your friends date the highest caliber men, please remind them that you don’t only have to be a wife-beating heroin user to be marked off the list. There are plenty of crazy guys out there, and they are hiding in every corner.

                                          JUST LIKE THIS GUY. 

Best of luck freshmen.